| The example-my life sucks |
[Jan. 11th, 2009|01:01 am] |
why am i the example?
why, when shit goes down do i end up being the example. the chances of the shit that happens to me to consistently give me shit is amazing.
my traffic record: ppl go months to years driving illegally, with no license or a taillight out and no one pays attention, but every time, if my plates expire for a day, i get pulled over. its been that way my whole life. i get pulled over more than anyone else in the world. if i decide to go through a red light at 3 am, with no traffic, a cop will come screaming out of an underground bunker, hidden just waiting for any unsuspecting fucker to give a ticket to. then i go to court and fifteen other guys are let go with a warning but for me he wants to make an example and gives the highest fine possible, refuses to allow community service and debates giving 5 days of jailtime, since thats the maximum for a parking ticket. i become the example.
past jobs: i become the poster child for the male child worker i represent all men wanting to work with children. since i have to fight the fight that allows me to help preschool children not piss their pants, to say to a hurt kid, "there there" and to have a kid sit on your lap to hear a story. i'm always the example.
recently: i'm fighting for the rights of new teachers to not be put in a classroom of violent children who have been known to attack teachers in the past to not be put in without training in restraint or talk down procedures. i am supposed to come out of college with a perfect behavior plan that every child wants to work and will never act out. so now, a child attacks me, and i lose my job because i did not let the child hit me, because i was not thorough enough with my description, that my incident report did not give a second by second account of the attack, and the video looks suspicious. i'm a new fucking teacher so do not have a leg to stand on, apparently. now i get to get a lawyer and fight for a job i don't really want just to clear my name. i have to fight for the fact that i'm white working with black children, that i'm a new teacher without all the answers, that i speak up for my students when i see they are not placed right or being treated right. the cleveland schools suck working with special needs but i guess because i bring that to light, i get screwed. child and family services looked into the case and found no abuse but legal dept of cleveland schools picked apart every second of the video to find what i did wrong.
i want to punch things. its unfair that i need a lawyer for doing my job. i have a child to support. i guess i talk too much. |
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| nice guys finish last |
[Dec. 2nd, 2008|09:34 pm] |
this seems to be an ongoing problem in my life:
its nice to pull over and help someone stranded. they ask for help, their car hood is up, they're begging for a ride. why not stop to help them. everyone says, don't do it. i'll be mugged. i'd like to think someone would do that for me.
i'm a teacher. i help kids with behavior problems. you'd think by caring about children who are normally lost in the system would be good. instead people give me crap for being a male working with children. i have to fight extra hard for respect because i'm a white male working with children with behavior problems. the kids believe i'm racist. administration believes there's no way i could understand them, because i'm white so i haven't experienced what they have.
downtown believes i do my work just for the money or the possible promotion. i'm just working to move up. no one believes i work with these students because they need someone who cares about them and will fight for them and by fighting for them all i do is make everyone mad. i don't know anything about these kids because i'm a new teacher. simple logic should tell them that identifying them and then sticking them in a room away from the regular population does nothing to benefit them. saying they're there because they can't handle the stimulation of regular education is bullshit. what does a kindergartner do to prove they need separate education for 8 years and to never even try to include them. least restrictive environment, the words in the law, mean to include these students as much as possible. the more i fight for my students rights, the more enemies i create.
i don't understand cleveland schools. now i'm in trouble because i restrained a student who attacked me, because i didn't have the foresight to suspend him for when he first threatened me. i figured a student with behavior problems threatens and swears all the time and i'm only allowed to suspend so often. they say 10 days no matter what, which means after the ten days, i can't do anything....backwards. so i'm just supposed to let him do whatever. that makes me simply a babysitter. bullshit.
i'm done ranting now. |
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| Cleveland Schools |
[Nov. 16th, 2008|05:30 pm] |
Current mood: anxious
so its been a while since i've updated....mostly because of my fear that my students might find this profile....thats why i keep from having my real name anywhere on here.
it seems all of my students have a myspace profile, which is interesting because the majority of them can't afford a computer.
i have much anger towards working for cleveland skills although the majority of my anger comes from the principal i work for:
1. She gave me a horrible review from last year saying i was a terrible teacher
when she never actually came into my classroom.
2. She tried to put a child who assaulted me and literally attacked me back into
my classroom and to tell me i had no choice.
3. She tried to tell me that i do not try to teach my kids, but i try to get rid of
them, since they broke into my cabinet and insulted a sub to the point of
quitting and i suggested suspending them for their behavior.
4. As a reference she tells other principals i would do great if i had a new
start...her exact words.
5. She refused to pay me for sick days i've taken to take my pregnant girlfriend
to the doctor to see th unborn fetus in her belly. Apparently the girl i live with
that is having my child does not count as immediate family, but same sex
partners do.
6. Apparently i'm supposed to let students attack me because a child tried to
punch me in the face so i held him on the ground until security took him. now
i've been reassigned from the classroom to home, but i'm still getting paid to
sit on my ass so its nice.
GOOD NEWS
***new car: i got a jeep, a place actually financed me***
***haunted house season ruled, although i got in trouble for being jesus, which is too controversial, but when i played a small boy being anally raped by a reindeer, no complaints....i kid not, that was the final night of the house.***
***i'm running a red dwarf rpg at CONfusion in detroit, and in my house, weekly.***
oh yeah!!!! It's gonna be a girl. She'll be born March 13, in theory.
So if anyone is interested in coming to my "diaper party" which i'm told is a masculine version of a baby shower where everyone brings me diapars UN-USED AND NEW and then we all get drunk together. |
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| A whole new world |
[Mar. 22nd, 2008|04:21 am] |
so its seriously been a long time since i updated.
1. i graduated. got my bachelor's degree and teaching license. it was a barely thing. my final grade point average was 2.86 and i got a B in student teaching. although i found out, of the two student teachers i worked with, one gave me a blaringly nice recommendation later then called my professor and complained about me. also i found out i was missing a class a week before the end of the semester and had to learn 100 years of American History and take an equivalency test in a few days, but i passed. things are never simple for me.
2. I did get a car. his name is drippy. i took it to a mechanic after i bought it for $900. they said it would be pointless to get any of the drippings fixed because it was running and the drips were coming from everywhere. although eventually the gearshift gave out. a cable from the shifter to the transmission broke so i could no longer change gears. luckily it was a $12 dollar part so drippy lives on.
3. while slowly driving and writing down phone numbers of available places on a street a pick up truck pulled up and asked if we were looking for a place to live. we said yes so he brought us to his duplex across the street that he was saying he was having trouble renting because it was midyear and his last renters broke up and left rather abruptly. we looked and decided it was great. now we have our own side of a duplex with a private attic and basement, living room, dining room, 1 and a half bathrooms, and three bedrooms.
4. yes i said we, i met the girly of my dreams. we've been together since July and although she gets slightly nutty during her time of the month i have yet to get bored. i met her at the chamber, of all places. i've been going there for years and i finally found someone i liked. she was friends with a chick from the vampire game i still attend. she is part goth, part band geek, part gamer dork. she's got those weird girly things about liking flowers and likes to cook for me. i'm kinda shocked by the amount i like being with her and the minimal amount of insanity i've dealt with. we've been with each other nonstop and i complain like crazy about her annoying tendency to care very little for following any sort of digital time keeping device, but i love her.
5. i am teaching in Cleveland schools as an ED Teacher. trial by fire really. i was given a room with no stuff and a group of kids who had three different teachers and three different principals and all i knew about my group was that they were below grade level. no idea where that is but somewhere below where they were supposed to be. i managed to create a somewhat stable room environment as a slightly above average room. quite an accomplishment from where i started. i even managed to get my kids mainstreamed instead of spending all day, every day in my classroom which is tough for them.
6. Darien has his own bedroom in my house and a place to keep all his toys. i got shared parenting so am finally an equal parent in the eyes of the law and get him for two weeks during the summer. we're going to Florida!!!
7. i went to see Evil Dead the musical in Toronto, which kicked ass and continued to feed my Bruce Campbell addiction. he wasn't in it, but i got the action figure, the t-shirt, and the poster THE LADIES OF THE EVIL DEAD. ahh obsession. the most interesting parts of the weekend there was the crepe restaurant and the sushi eating contest. not really a contest per say but it was an all you can eat sushi place that you could order the sushi as many times as you wished. Nikki order our food and they just kept bringing more and more out. the restaurant charged one flat rate for all you can eat deal but charged full price for every item you do not eat. nikki kinda over ordered on our first order. so much dead fish, but it was still an amusing time. we were trying to hide the extra food in napkins. luckily they didn't actually bring out everything we ordered and we were able to get through most of it.
8. went to Detriot as well for a gaming convention. i ran a vampire murder mystery and painted a gnome figure. i also introduced Nikki to the adventurous lifestyle of not having plans. i normally spend cons being drunk and passing out wherever or staying up the entire night. this was a new concept to Nikki. she wanted a hotel room and a plan as to how we would eat. the consuites provide, i told her. she had fun but did not like the lack of privacy all weekend.
9. i'm sick. i'm on spring break getting paid days off and i'm dealing with insomnia caused not being able to lie down for long periods of time without becoming nautious, and i have to write ten IEP's and do all my work for the one class i'm taking this semester.
i think that brings you up to date. this is a long entry isn't it?
so its all semi-good news. can't have good news without bad news in my world |
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| car buying adventures |
[Aug. 9th, 2007|09:10 pm] |
so many options...
craigslist lead me to many people in the middle of nowhere trying to sell vehicles that need a push start. i found a $200 hatchback stickshift that needed to be push started, a $300 dollar van with no transmission and an $800 hearse from the 70's with no roof, but it was running.
as far as dealerships, financing ppl laughed at me and sent me to their wholesale lot where they had nothing in my pricerange even though they told me at the dealership there were a plethora of $500 cars after talking to the one in charge of the wholesale lot i learned none of them worked
after calling a random number on a signpost i was connected to a woman selling her cars at a dealership in euclid. this place had a car for $750 with no door lock, it had to be opened from the inside, bad breaks, shook when i spead up and the dealer got angry i did not have the money on me. he wanted me to give him $50 to hold the car til thurs when i got paid. he did lower the cost by a hundred but there wasn't even a radio in the car. it seemed sgadey. he called this morning to see if i was still getting it.
but i turned down all those vehicles for a minivan. the dealership a block from my job had a $900 minivan with a cracked windshield and a screwed up airconditioner motor for the backseats, plus the back trunk gate won't open...but the engine seems good and trany alright.
all of these are better than my current car that needs its engine replaced and no brake lights, although not quite as important as an engine.
so now you all are well versed in the dealings of discount car shopping. its fun. |
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| an "ex" update |
[Aug. 7th, 2007|10:54 pm] |
this may seem petty but i had to share. my ex...the one who cheated on me, lied about it, got mad at me b/c i refused to drive her to the house of the person whom she cheated on me with, and everyone i know hated...of course i only learned this after the break up, tried to talk to me. she tried to ask me to have coffee with her when she comes back to clevo. she's coming back to clevo for oppurtunity. thats right, she believes the cleveland clinic will want to hire her fresh out of massotherapy school to begin a massotherapy dept in the clinic and she will begin it, head it, and teach it, because the credentials from a few-month school in vegas carries much weight to the clinic and they never thought of using new age medicine before her.
apparently i'm negative because i don't support her in her endevers even though their stupid. read for yourself:
"I want to bring therapy to the masses, or, at least, the Cleveland Clinic.
The Cleveland Clinic has made great strides in medical service, been very progressive. With it's awards and acknowledgements, excellents in, what is it, cardiology. Sorry that I can't provide a whole slew of descriptions, I'm kind of tired and forgetful, but the fact of the matter is, I want to be a part of the team there. Running my own office which provides massotherapy to all of the wards, educating the public, and bringing people to awareness, I'd want to change the way we consider medicine.
I want to provide educated staff, programs for self massage and CEU (continuing education units, basically interest-related updates for licensure) opportunities, I dunno, bring massage under better insurance coverage.
By the same token, I don't want to gain notoriety in just one way. I kinda want to be famous for a broad range of things, from skateboarders to porn goddess, adament learner and teacher to superhero. I dunno. Would anybody care if I changed my identity so often and brought great things to the world? Or will I forever have dreams and ideas that go unfulfilled because people will already know me as some other entity? I'm sure there's an opposite to a conartist, who changes him/herself and causes great stur, and the opposite being someone like Bono who has two or more roles in the world. I want it all, is that so bad? Maybe I should become a commissioner of awesome-life-changing ideas, where I encourage people to change the world the way I see fit. Their ideas, my backing and encouragement."
so she also aspires for superpowers as well.
on another note:
my car blew up this weekend. luckily i have a new supportive girlie who kicks ass, is hot, a gamer, and came to rescue me and my son from the side of the road. |
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| disability |
[Jul. 19th, 2007|06:10 pm] |
the speaker in class amazed me, not for doing what she did but because she showed us she was a whole person. the book about making love to a person with disabilities was paricularly interesting. lots of adult pictures in it. i tried to research websites that cater to people who enjoy sex with people in wheelchairs but those sites are blocked at ursuline. i know they exsist though. if there are sites dedicated to beastiality i'm sure cripple or parapalegic porn can't be far away.
with this entry i went straight to the gross stuff. its simply something that bothers me. i had a co-worker who was deaf at a camp. she had hearing aides in both ears. people would speak very loud to her and slow. i would say, she's deaf not stupid. treat her like person. there are no rules to remember accept that everyone isa person, treat them like one. the rest will fall into place. why is it so difficult for everone to treat each other like individuals not base their opinions on outward appearances. i'm told i'm so good with people with disabilities. i had a friend with a very strong speach impediment who i would talk to about hot chicks all the time on instant messenger. he still tells me he can get chicks more easily than i can because he has a disability. he said pity sex is still sex, and he's treating them the same. he pities them for how lonely they really are. he just enjoys taking advantage of them. everyone has a gimmick. i wanted to become disabled just for better parking. thats wrong.
i heard someone once say they always park in handicap parking because no one uses them accept the people that need them and he can outrun them easily. this is another incident of making fun of stereotypes but even people with disabilities don't mind making jokes about their disability. i like to find people who speak using sign language and learn dirty words from them to sign. its great fun and they love answering those questions.
now i plan to work with children with special needs because i get along with them. its just convenient to speak in ways that they are equal not disabled. i have friends in wheelchairs, i never really think about it. one morning i woke up to find my friend who was in a wheelchair crashed out on my couch. this confused me because i lived on the third floor of an apartment building with no elevator. i had to wake him up and ask how he got there. he said he crawled up the fire escape and left his chair at the bottom. with that kind of dedication he was allowed to crash at my place whenever he wanted. i loved hanging out with him. women flocked to him at parties. |
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| Domestic abuse |
[Jul. 19th, 2007|05:50 pm] |
i have been abused. i think i ask for it. i choose women that abuse me. i was in a play called "expect respect" where we learned about the circle of abuse. while learning this i could identify each stage in my own relationships. i had an ex control me by faking seizures. i knew what i seizure looked like. i work with people with special needs. i worked with a boy who had them constantly and i had to run a huge magnet over his chest whenever it happened. this was odd. i never learned what the magnet did, but he had absence seizure so blanked out frequently. i work with a small child now that has them during her naptime. either way, i never saw a seizure where the person could ask me to change the radio station during the seizure. apparently the rodgers jewelers comercials caused them. not really the point. i drove the girl everywhere and she threatened suicide often. i stayed with her because i feared her dying i finally said that she should go kill herself. she was cheating on me anyway and lied constantly. i have been cheated on often.
i had another ex get angry that i told people how she broke up with me on myspace by changing her status to single and posting pics of her with a new guy. i was a little annoyed. so she went around saying i cheated on her and controlled her. apparently,my asking her to not do drugs around me and to come up with ideas on what we should do when together was controlling. i never said she couldn't do drugs, just not around me. she told this to everyone i knew but almost no one believed her. two people did then she screwed them over as well.
my most resent girl tried to convince i should let her have sex outside the relationship and she could bring the knowledge back to our relationship to better our sex life. she said i had no right to control hersexuality. i agreed but told her that if she was with me i want someone with me. it was the ongoing argument in our relationship. she is lonely now, but gets a lot of sex. i try to wonder why me, but i realize i ask for it. i see it coming from a mile away and keep going. i know the signs and keep going. its like driving a car off a cliff even though you see the cliff 50 feet ahead. i don't understand.I like to say women are evil, but I know they aren’t. its simply I wait for girls who are more forward to come to me. These tend to be controlling women who want a man they can control. I know the ingredients of this poison I’m making and ingesting but I drink it anyway. Who knows why, perhaps I had an abusive childhood and am looking for someone who is like my mother, just like Freud would say. |
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| Drink that drink |
[Jul. 19th, 2007|05:29 pm] |
Alcohol is great. i love to drink. according to Alcoholics Anonymous i might have a drink problem because when i drink, i drink to get drunk. According to AA alcoholism is a disease, although drug abuse is not for some reason.
Disease-a condition of the living animal or plant body or of one of its parts that impairs normal functioning and is typically manifested by distinguishing signs and symptoms.
alcoholism has no symptoms, and there are no typical distinguishing signs. people choose to drink. yes it is difficult to stop and i feel sorry for those who need it, but its a choice throughout the ordeal. you need to want to stop.
addiction-compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful
alcohol is in the definition of addiction. it is an addiction. a very tough one to break but it would not be an addiction if you could just stop. my cigarette smoking is not considered a disease, but if i was an uncontrolable drinker i have a disease, and people feel sorry for me.
the in class discussion angered me greatly. we have to wait for some one famous to catch the disease before they work on a cure, some one said. there are quite a few famous people. there is no shortage of famous drinkers. there are pills to help them out. there are drops to take red out of eyes. pills to get rid of hang overs, and of course the morning after pills, to rid yourself of the pregnancy you got last night, either for you or for the drunken woman next to you, to slip in her drink,like the pill you slipped in the night before.
i tend to not agree with the idea of AA in general. the people tend to be joiners. they constantly tell others they need the organization if your parents or grandparents or anyone in the family ever dealt with alcohol. this seems a little over the top. the second rule of AA is to let your self know you have no power over the alcohol and to let yourself go to a higher power. this seems to be trying to sell me on the fact that only a belief in god can help you. give some credit top the formeralcoholic. its tough to quit and they worked for it, why give up the credit on something so hard to do. |
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| War, what is it good for? |
[Jul. 19th, 2007|05:02 pm] |
I will never agree with the idea of war. they have exsisted for many years and for no reason. in the movie Dogma chris rock's character said something smart. people should have ideas. not beliefs. ideas can be changed. beliefs are more concrete. people die for their beliefs. they fight wars for their beliefs. people are convinced their belief is the right one. look at george bush and our country in general.
in general, 9-11 was horrible, but it was a one time shot. we still aren't sure who did it. osama bin ladin is an asshole i won't disagree, but we bombed a country because we thought the guy who we were pretty sure was in charge of the people who most likely blew up the twin towers. seems a bit sketchy. then for no reason we went on to iraq. most likely because george jr wanted to finish what dad started. even though the only reason they had money was because the US gave them money to build up their defenses, back in the 80's. i guess that was reagan's little mistake. who knew that in the future the might stop giving us oil for our SUV's.
As i said, i respect the soldiers out there. they put their lives on the line on a daily basis for reasons they are unsure of. no wonder they busy taking inappropriate pictures of the prisoners. their human beings made to believe a group of people aren't human anymore. so they become toys, or some sort of a war game.
i didn't like having to register for draft just to get student loans. i thought it was sexist that only males have to do this. women don't make good soulders according to the government. inmy opinion, sex doesn't matter,in more ways than one.
we watched the movie platoon in class and listened to stories from war veterans. they one from iraq talks about being willing to go back. he enjoyed the rush. i guess having your life on the line is rush. he talked about wanting to go back for his unit, to protect them. so the government has figured out asolution to get men to want to come back. in vietnam men in units were changed randomly so most men were really only worried about their own necks. you care about your unit enough so they'll watch out for you. in iraq, the units are from the same areas and are family. you work harder to protect your family. now the government exploits family bonds. i don't agree with micheal moore's tactics but to ask politicians if they would sign their kids up for the war effort only makes sense. how many years has it been since george declared mission accomplished but we're still there. although the daily show added the edit "A" mission accomplished not "the" mission, but just a mission. i hope we're out soon. i wish someone had the guts to pull out. |
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| changes |
[Jul. 1st, 2007|01:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
so what amazes me is you can make such an impact in peoples lives and they just toss you aside like an old overcoat. i know people toss out old overcoats because the thriftstores are full of them. although i'm assuming the reason is because of the whole trenchcoat mafia thing. i think i went off track.
i've been bored today. updating my facebook, searching through old lj entries, myspace, vampirefreaks, god knows what else. i've been getting the update on people whom i used to talk to every day, now i'm not even a footnote in their history. ppl come and go all the time, apparently the impact i have on ppl is opening the door for them and shutting it in my own face. i worry so much about helping ppl find what makes them happy that when they do, their gone and life goes on. mind you reading online updates is a load of horseshit anyway since everyone tries to make themselves seem happier tha they are.
i am a clevelander again.
it took a kick in the ass but i moved back. i got pulled over on my way home to Akron and put in jail because i have an SR-22 bond insurance thingy so i paid my insurance a day late and my driving privelages became suspended and even though th ey were supposed to come back apparently i was blocked from this because of a parking ticket. so car taken, impounded, bail bondsman called, and court. its been years since i've dealt with this shit. my record would have been completely clear in a few months. so i had no car for father's day and could not see my son. i had to bum rides. turns out, my friend who lives down the road from my current job needs a roommate so i will be moving there...or back with my mom, i have yet to decide. my car is back and all the shit i dealt with at the summer camp that i had no control over was blamed on me.
i'm running the schoolage summer program at the YWCA...yes W not M...i work for women. i had no supplies, no room, no food, and no places to go with my schoolagers because my manager is a dink and every check request and every question i asked was put off til later but she also decided to let kids start three days early and only telling me this the day before they showed up. all and all a lot of complaints came in about the disorganized summer program and it all got blamed on me, even though i was not even getting paid to run the summer program and had to be in a classroom full time or at school when i was supposed to be planning. finally, after meeting with the executive director of the ywca and having executives checking in on us every day, my ass is covered, then my direct boss comes back from her vacation and blames all the problems on me. bitch.
i've missed out on the last two showings of rocky horror in barberton. i was testing it out for a while but i won't be missed out there. i can be a loud mouth anywhere. perhaps i'll make my way back to the cedar lee show.
i'm heading to origins this week. first vacation i've ever gone on with my son. just me and him and adventure, we'll see what happens.
my journal for the next few weeks will have entries meant for my current class on socialism in film. my next evtries will be my experiences on education, then i will do one on my opinions of war, then my feelings on alcoholism. theres a few more but i can't remember them. just a word of warning. there will be a rebirth of my lj but it will be for class purposes. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 20th, 2007|09:33 am] |
After my recent bus adventures i am reminded why i don't use the bus any more. its kinda like hanging out with drugged out losers and drunken idiots just to remember why you stay away from drugs and alcohol. its not fun..
but that only slightly compares to the shit i've been dealing with lately. yes of course i've had my share of drunken idiots. its made me not want to live in my home anymore, hearing them cackle insesently at not-funny jokes that are at my expense. how many jokes can one tell about my lack of sex life, my wierd musk that attracts underaged girls, and my religion, before people realize its just not funny anymore. i flash back to the girl that thought she would greatly hurt me by saying i had a big nose and my large friend was fat. we were not amazed by this news. we took it in stride and cried to each other.
yes, my car died. transmission is no more. it has ceased to be and gone to meet its maker. bereft of life. actually it sits in my driveway. the engine runs real good but it don't do nothing. so i found a car for 400 and luckily the school owes me 450. unfortunetly they have yet to cut the check and i am not making friends in the business office. never fuck with a jew and his money.
so as i'm taking the bus to ursuline i also get to flash back to a simpler time. a time when i took the same bus to get to the workplace of my girlfriend's mother so i could sit in the cold for an hour waiting for her to get off work, so i could endure country music for 45 minutes just to see a girl who would eventually dump me so she could date one of my good friends who later cheated on her. ahh memories. i think to myself if i had it to do all over again would i, given the same circumstances and i realize i would, not because i cared about her, not because i'm a glutton for punishment, but because if i care about someone and they tell me they need me i do anything in my power to help them because i'm a moron.
i even let these little angsty suicidal teenagers get to me simply because i care too much. although i did come to the realization that a teenager with angst is kinda like blood in your urine, hurts like a bitch, its always there, and evenetually you should see a professional about it if it persists.
now you may ask, if your still reading because i doubt you are or you skipped to this paragraph to make it look like you read the whole entry, whats the point to all this? why are you writing this? does anyone care? i say no. this is all the rantings of a bitter angry jew boy, but i certainly feel better for doing this.
not really. i got rejected by a jehovah's witness. i don't even know if thats low or not. |
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| the ex file |
[Feb. 26th, 2007|06:36 pm] |
so i've been wanting to write this for a while. i've been thinking about a lot of shit in my life. my past so to speak. i wanted to write a list that told my sad sorted affairs. a.k.a. the girl file.
1. let's start with the first girl i ever kissed. it was awkward, bad, and sloppy. she was my best if not only friend at the time. she's in russia, er the ukraine now. it was a deal made simply b/c she knew i had never kissed a girl. it was really wierd and we never did that again.
2. a torrid love affair i had with a girl from youth group....jewish youth group. we wrote each other letters, hung on each other at events and did cutsey little pecks and shit. eventually i visited her in her home town of buffalo. i was amazed a girl so hot would actually be attracted to me. this was after i first got my contacts. well i visited her in buffalo and she wouldn't even hug me and she tried setting me up with her best friend. she was trying to get rid of me. ow the pain.
3. third girl i ever kissed. we were high at the time...i think. i walked her and someone else home and the entire walk she took it upon herself to teach me. i have never gotten a complaint since. she was half african american christian and half jewish israeli, or her father moved to israel, she told me. either way in our one month relationship we broke up at least 27 times. one of those times was before a party. she said, "i've never gone to a party dating someone so we're single at this party." i stupidly agreed to this deal not understanding how stupid i was. eventually i got tired of calling her back when she said she would call ME right back. i'm still waiting for that phone call.
4. this was a girl that lived down the street from the other one, or her grandmother did. we spent a day all hanging on each other after randomly running into each other at the park and vaguely remembering each other. she was with the number 2 of this list which is why they greeted me. eventually she tricked me into having dinner with her family, which annoying the hell out of me but i dealt. then she left me for girly number 2. thats right they became temporary lesbians. something that happened often around coventry.
5. i met this girl at the save-our-smut benefit show, which was a clever name for a mushroom head show that allowed them to promote porn. i met her when she was making out with my best friend on the bar in the back. this should have been my first clue. she said,"yes i was kissing him but i'd rather have you." a vote of confidence for low self esteem if i ever heard one. so we made out the rest of the show. ppl stared, ppl asked questions trying to figure out if we were two guys, two girls, or a guy and a girl. ppl pelted us with us. eventually i lost her to my other friend whom she left with a hicky so big ppl thought he hung himself. she then dumped him when i told her i couldn't touch her while she was dating my friend. ahh devotion.
6. the girl of my dreams. so i thought. i was in love. i dated her for a year. after 6 months i was no longer an innocent fraggle. she was the beautiful art chick i had always dreamed of. she was slightly crazy and lived out in butfuck nowhere. but i found people to drive me out there on a weekly basis. this was not enough for her though because she wanted more attention and someone who could be out there on her beckoned whim. in our one year relationship i spent almost all the money i ever had on her so she could eat when she came ou with me and my friends for the weekend. i would wait in a parking lot for an hour in a freezing cold vehicle and endure the torture that was her mother's country music just to see her. she eventually dumped me the day before valentine's day and then started dating one of my good friends who i was convinced was flirting with her while we were dating. i here she's a women's libbist now, hating males for what they did to her. not a lesbian though....bonus. she stopped talking to me when i began to refuse to drive her places or be uncommonly nice and walking on eggshells-like to her. my normal dickish self. i like being me.
7. this was the rebound, for both of us. probably the worst looking couple ever. she was a full foot taller than me with red hair. hot as hell. amazon-like. worst sex ever. to this date nothing compares except the most recent ex, but we'll get into that later. girls are supposed to do stuff during sex too, right?
8. my roommate. bad plan indeed. myself and her were flirty like crazy before we moved in together then my friend i was getting an apt with invited her along. so that time of carelessly playing around changed. "we're roommates now," we thought, "you don't date your roommates." well better said than done. you can't live right next to a person your interested in and not flirt. i read her bedtime stories. i read a girl bedtime stories. there is a valid explanation to this. she was raised orthodox jew so there were many children's stories she never heard, so i borrowed them from the book store i worked at. i am an idiot. she eventually made out with some punk dude so in my continued mistrust she dumped me. it was only a couple of weeks, but it felt like.....a couple of weeks. she became a full lesbian after dumping me.
9. my son's mother. no bad words to really share about her. we were friends, then friends with benefits, then she popped those words of, well you know them. whoa whoa whoa lady. friends...friends. i gotta go. oh wait this is my house. you gotta go...oh yeah i drove you, dum de dum. i was not ready for any full time relationship, nor was i ready for a kid, but a kid was what i needed to straighten shit out. especially when, in her anger towards me, i did not get to start seeing darien till he was 5 months old, and i had to fight to do it. we're cool now...now that she knows how much i care about him.
10. at least i could get my arms around amy. a story for another day.
11. the unrequited love. i met her once at a vampire game and forgot about the game talking to her. we spent the rest of the summer trying to find each other again, bugging the mutual friend we had to reconnect us. i bugged her before she bugged the friend so when i asked she said no. when she asked, i had disappeared at a summer camp and my phone got cut off. finally we hooked up...a week before she left for canada. it was a good weekend. i've never matched a better weekend with a girl.
12. the girl of my dreams...again. the only girl that ever said, "i don't feel like going out. let's just stay at your place, watch anime, and drink....and have sex." i was in love with just those words. that labeled her the coolest chick in the world. she helped me with a lot of drama i had in my life with school and money and my car getting impounded and shit like that. i think she decided my life was too drama filled and she needed stability. who knows. she is also the one who inspired this lj.
13. the girl of my internet dreams. i met her online, she was gorgious and we had lots of really great sex. then she got a boyfriend and i started to get to know her and regret the idiot mistake i made. you live, you learn.
14. legion chick. fooled around with her. hung out twice. went to see her high school play and hung out at the aftercast party. i was in my 20's. i think this one is out of order. i'm friends with her. she still with the guy i knew she'd end up with. case closed.
15. i believe this brings us up to the most recent ex. the one i was in complete love with...i thought. the one who was a compulsive liar and used me and then threatened a restraining order on me for trying to be polite to her online. this one was reffered to in the lj, quite often. another legion chick but not a very good one. couldn't act to save her life. but i like taking care of people and i took care of her and in return i got bad sex. i can't believe i had to teach a girl what forplay was.
16. the girl of my emotional dreams, kinda, i guess. she had a bf but did not get along with him and he wouldn't sleep with her. eventually we got drunk and had sex. a lot of sex, and watched mst3k on my vcr that has autorewind and auto play, so we ended up seeing the same scene over and over. she helped me to get my car back. eventually she became single and i was single but there was some wierd communication breakdown and both of us started seeing other ppl, however we're still good friends, and i'm happy for her and her new guy. he actually seems not that bad. this one's original bf gave her permission to sleep with me since he thought he couldn't satisfy her and he figured i was clean.
17. my one night stand in israel. great girl. had a boyfriend, but he was ok with her cheating once he talked to me on the phone. she's not with him anymore anyway, she's with another guy who she's actually happy with.
18. girl in detriot. lots of fooling around, no sex. she came to clevo with me, we played boyfriend/ girlfriend for a weekend but she actually had a bf. although he too stopped being mad at her for cheating once he met me. i'm still friends with her too. i don't think she's with the bf anymore either.
19. the recent ex. i dated a 17 yr old. she dumped me two weeks before telling me. she changed all her info online saying she was single before telling me she wanted to break up. she also cheated on me twice. her reasoning was that i had a one nioght stand with a girl in israel before i started dating her so that made her feel betrayed. i also tried to control her because i didn't like always sitting around with her friends doing drugs and wanted to do other things. the relationship was based on sex and me being there for her when she stupidly tried to run away from home. since the break up she has written a lot of shit about me, which i put word for word in this lj. she has broken into my online profiles and denied doing it and she has threatened me on many occasions. somehow though, she says i was the one who wronged her.
20. APJ-always pregnant jen, mind you didn't know her nickname when i met her. i shoulda been weary when her first questions to me was "do you listen to rumors that they say about me?" she asked if i wanted to go out then all of a sudden she introduced me to everyone as her boyfriend. she bragged, she got jealous when i talked to other girls and angry when she found out i was going to detriot the next weekend and this was all in the first 6 hours. i didn't help the situation by having sex with her. ever got stopped by the cops for having sex in your car? so eventually she dumped me because she was pregnant. 2 weeks pregnant when i only knew her for a few days, so i knew it wasn't mine. i was pissed. i was on the road halfway from akron to clevo to pick her up. damn her wasting my gas. this was the extent to the hurt i felt from the relationship.
21. Dani-the bitch who fooled me. i've been cheated on before, i've been lied to before, but i never had the chick try to convince me that it was my fault and i should have known. i never had a chick try to convince me to stay with her and let her sleep around. i never had a chick get out of my car in the middle of traffic. i loved her, but it was a one way thing. she loved everyone and wanted me only because i cared about her. she said everything she had to to keep me around while hitting on my friends, and being a general slut. she said she blossomed into her sluthood thanks to me. i can't believe i could care about someone so much who cared so little for me. she even got mad at me for refusing to drive her to visit the guy she cheated on me with. she also got jealous and talked shit about my girl from vegas even after letting me sleep with the both of them. then she moved to vegas with her even though she had earlier said she hated her....i don't get girls. you offer this girl something and she'll take it, no appreciation necessary.
22. Staysha-she wanted me forever, this is the vegas chick. she showed up in clevo and i was with dani, but i slept with staysha anyway, with dani's permission of course. dani got jealous, staysha got jealous. staysha started sleeping with every guy i knew, i became disillussioned with her and listened to dani talking smack about her so distanced myself. by the time she moved back to vegas i was trying to be friends with her again, even though she knew about dani cheating and did not tell me. i was angry. but i got over it. she's too nice a person, and too trusting, not to care about. my chances of actually dating her are over. hopefully i may still get back into the place of being above her fuck buddies.
23. talya-the former orthodox jew. i may sound harsh but she was overly clingy. after three days she said she might be in love with me. she tried to tell me what to do during sex. "talk to me." she would say, and all i thought about was soup, which is not good sex conversation, i learned in the past. so i thought of cheese next. then all i could think about was food products. suffise it to say, i did not enjoy myself. she got mad at me for falling asleep on the couch and wanted to spend all her days sitting around doing nothing. she's the first girl i dumped even though we were just supposed to be hanging out, i never agreed to be in a relationship or exclusive.
so for those of you keeping track thats 23 romances in my life, 13 of which included sex. 3 of these past romances included boyfriends who stopped being mad at their girlfriends for cheating on them once they met me. one of these i was actually given permission. i my girl at the time gave me permission to have while dating her, i was allowed to women at the same time!!! it wasn't a threesome it was me taking turns until i broke the both of them. I BROKE TWO NYMPHOS! i needed this. my love life does nothing but make me laugh. this doesn't even include the girl i went on one date with and took her to bounce where she got a crush on the punk rock, break dancing, transvestite, dancing on stage. how could i compete? there are other small adventures along the way as well. |
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| wow its been a while |
[Jan. 4th, 2007|06:49 pm] |
the sad thing is i check my friends journals almost religiously but i never post anything. i think i was scared to jinx the good fortune i was getting. shit i took my ring off for a day, ended up having sex with my girlfriend, and haven't worn it since. mind you i'm dating a nympho so thats not a great accomplishment.
on the plus side, i know its been so long since my last post that everyone has stopped expecting me to write anything. also i know i may wriote so much ppl won't read past the first paragraph. so for you people.... you are all wankers.
so if i didn't talk about my trip to israel here's what i remember from it. i met a lot of cool people. i got lost around jerusalem with a jewish lawyer who always said he was broke. i picked onions with a guy with peyahs and tattoos. thats right an orthadox jew with body modifications. those were my roommates through most of it. i met a cool contortionist chick who could fire dance and now she tells me she can juggle. she's from new orleans. i've kept in contact with her. i also got sick. very sick. there is nothing more himbling than asking the stewardess for an airsick bag because yours is missing. aparently i can travel from israel to US without sickness but the busses in israel, the airport, and the plane from atlanta to the US all made me feel like an olsen twin. can't keep anything down. i bought some chuck talors while i was there too and some jewlry from some crazy israeli guys.
him: which one you like
me: um this one i guess (pointing randomly)
him: out of these which you like
me: um that one
him: ok these (putting together the two i said i likeed)
me: i don't know
him: right i rap them both up for you 400 sheckl
me: no i only really like this one
him: right, i sell you one 300 and throw in 2nd for 100
me: no
him: ok 1 for 300
me: i just wanted directions
i did so well in israel. i found out asking for directions in arab market sends you back to the middle of arab market no matter where you ask. i found out some people don't want community service and will yell at you for fixing their bomb shelter. i found out no one likes jokes at the haulocaust museum especially comparing bush to hitler. i found out russians are cool and shoot guns in the dessert for fun and communications break down but guns are universal. rabbis can be funny. herring in israel is damn good along with pastries. although it is a trusting place in jewish cities don't leave your doors open. dentists aren't very personable. teachers are. blue is good. thewestern wall has caves. my camera had a flash. tanks are cool. its fun to cook and clean at least when hand puppets are involved. don't carry suitcases full of razorblades, they find this suspicious. people put wierd things in bomb shelters, like cars. things are really funny when lacking sleep. don't give your friends your number when your in another country. busses take breaks on long bustrips. don't go far or you may end up stranded in arab territory. i think i intro'd all events that happened. if you waNT TO KNOW THE ENTIRE STORY ASK.
AS FOR THE GIRL. SHE'S 6'1", BLACK-ITALIEN, beautiful, a gamer, an otaku, a future masseuse, who i met at CBN dating an old client from the youth re-entry program. they broke up. i took her to teach her driving. we've had lots of fights, most with her self esteem, thinking she's not good enough for me. we are both stubborn which has almost lead to us breaking up three time, but its been 4 months now. i said those words to her and everything. we finally concluded that we need to stop talking about "the relationship" and just have it and we've been happy. i've been accused of letting her control me. i don't see how. my daily life has not changed. i think my friends in akron think i avoid them but i avoided them when i was single. i like my basement.
my rent is going up. my living situation is changing and i'm not sure if i can afford it, but i have a job now, with benefits. i can see a doctor again!!! i work at the YWCA and go to Ursuline College. i go ta catholic women's college and work for the YOUNG WOMEN'S CHRISTIAN ASSOCIATION whats wrong with me?
my classes i got a b, b+, c, c+ so i did pretty good. i was proud and no more sister marylin as a teacher. YAY!! one more semester to go then i student teach.
that was i long one. oh yeah and i'm not horny anymore, in fact i've learn i have some damn good stamina.
i need a new comp now, too, if anyone has a hook up |
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| stupid convos |
[Nov. 24th, 2006|06:18 am] |
you evere had such a stupid conversation it actually hurt your brain. i make none of this up. this is an actual online convo:
[00:45] thedarkmuppet: dunno who joe is, not really hitting on you, or do you forget what sarcasm is
[00:45] make-up erica: yeah yeah whatever
[00:45] thedarkmuppet: creative comeback
[00:46] make-up erica: look in hte mirror you ugly reak
[00:46] make-up erica: *freak*
[00:47] thedarkmuppet: still not a comeback and pretty badly misspelled
[00:47] thedarkmuppet: the mirror says many things, for you i'm sure it cracks
[00:48] make-up erica: yeah that is why you want me and always will right you nerd
[00:48] make-up erica: shut up you fucking jew
[00:49] thedarkmuppet: i'm sorry allow me to go to your level...i'm rubber your glue whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you
[00:49] make-up erica: GO BACK TO WHAT U DO BEST get off my nuts they are bigger then your's
[00:50] make-up erica: don't you need to go to church????????????????????? you jewish basterd
[00:50] thedarkmuppet: i didn't realize what i do best is getting off your nuts
[00:50] thedarkmuppet: and jews go to synagogues, satanists have a church
[00:51] make-up erica: yeah ok
[00:52] make-up erica: my man is a satanist thanks
[00:52] make-up erica: Fraggle and with that nose of your's I could play the guitar
[00:52] make-up erica: with it
[00:52] make-up erica: BRETT Can suck my ass crack
[00:52] thedarkmuppet: that doesn't even make sense
[00:53] thedarkmuppet: so far your insults have stated that i have a big guitar playing nose and i'm a church going jew
[00:53] make-up erica: my man wants to know if you want a three some???
[00:54] thedarkmuppet: um no
[00:54] make-up erica: why not he is more man then you ever will be
[00:55] thedarkmuppet: i know he wants me and all but i adamantly deny his advances
[00:55] thedarkmuppet: and how is what you said a convincing statement
[00:55] make-up erica: yeah the only thing you want is me right well you will never get me so go to hell
[00:56] thedarkmuppet: so you haven't realized i actually have a girl
[00:57] make-up erica: yeha i did
[00:57] thedarkmuppet: and in the times i've hung out with you made no advances to try getting you in the sack
[00:57] make-up erica: your blow up doesn't count
[00:59] thedarkmuppet: a. my blow up has a name...its bambi, and b. i wasn't talking about her
[00:59] make-up erica: yeah i bet
[00:59] make-up erica: oh you mean ummm! j.r. is your new Bitch?????
[01:00] thedarkmuppet: just b/c he has tits does not make him a girl
[01:00] make-up erica: yeah they are bigger then mine
[01:00] thedarkmuppet: you or your bf's?
[01:01] make-up erica: mine are smaller then J.R.s thanks
[01:01] thedarkmuppet: ah so your bf's tits are bigger
[01:01] make-up erica: nope
[01:02] thedarkmuppet: yet again, clever comeback
[01:04] thedarkmuppet: come on call me a jew again...its such a clever insult b/c before you said that i never knew i was jewish
its hard being so smart
in other news
haunted house season is over, it was fun...i did many insane shit including making other actors vomit at my character.
ursuline goes well with only one more semester of classes before i student teach
i have a job prospect at the YWCA
i have a girl who i love and hate more than anyone else right now. i think i know her too well, and she knows me too well, thats why we bother each other so moch. although it didn't help that we lived togetherfor the first 2 months so got to the point very quickly where the things we found cute became annoying. now that we're not with each other every day we like each other a lot more. absense makes the heart grow fonder, it'll be 3 months on thursday. oh yeah and that earlier convo i showed you was not with my gf, i just wanted to remember that convo always. |
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| self worth |
[Oct. 18th, 2006|08:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my hole | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | fairly odd parents | ] |
i was up till 4am last night arguing with the girlfriend.
how do you proove to someone their worthwhile? that you love them for a reason.
its been a month now...over a month. we shared those words. then last night she lost her job. in my eyes, not a big deal. she only had it for 5 days and it was at a pizza place at a maul. but she believes she's worthless. i believe it was one stupid job and she can do anything. although, i've been known to be stupid when it comes to females, let's hope i'm not getting screwed over.
i have a squire this year at the haunted house as well. he pretty much cemented his non-knighthood last weekend. he took a nonaprooved weapon into the house, a claw hammer, and hit robtheslob in the head with the claw. i'm still going to help him finish his squire sheet but ppl tend to remember those things. thats what i learned when i just broke a room, he broke a knight.
school seems to be going well. everything is moving in the right direction and i'm not really behind in my work. i was two lesson plans behind but i've done three now. i seem to have a grasp of the work that needs to be done. i'm just nervous about doing it.
thats all i got...oh yeah, and i'm not horny anymore...in fact, i had my first threesome....with 2 girls b/c i'd never touch another guy. |
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| why i've been gone |
[Oct. 3rd, 2006|01:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  rejuvenated | ] |
so i got back from israel and just ignored my lj.
i said i'd tell you all about my trip and you all got nothing.
well i thank the depression i entered coming home. i get back to town my friend yells at me for not calling her, i get a beer bottle thrown at me by my son's brand new step granddaddy b/c i have NOT paid child support and still come every week to see my son. he tried to tell me if i didn't pay they wouldn't let me have him. i'm not renting my kid. i'm poor trying to pay for school. i'm a fulltime student with no money but i have yet to miss a day with my child. i have assignments due that my teachers won't tell me about b/c i should be able to look at classmates notes, and i have volunteer programs i need to start.
so what do i do, sit in my bed for three days healing. i spent my last two days in israel vomiting and the public transports i had to take and airplanes helped nothing.
in the past few weeks i got caught up with my school work, began working with a child with special needs while he volunteers at the food bank, am doing stand up at a jewish singles event, started a lawsuit for custody of my son along with getting my child support re-evaluated, met a girl, have another girl coming in from vegas, started at the haunted house, started observations in an eighth grade class in solon, and found out i actually helped s/o b4 i left.
i think that covers it all. |
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| Today I will try to stand |
[Sep. 28th, 2006|12:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | school | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bitchy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | printer hum | ] |
i got bored in the english class i was observing in so wrote a poem. this was the assignment the 8th graders were doing.
Today I will try to stand
After Ernest Trejo
Today I will try to stand
Even though I am not sure if I am awake or asleep.
The days and nights pass by,
Like they are only blips on a computer screen.
The quicksand of my couch envelopes me
And I become a growth with its comfort.
I look for a purpose to moving,
To accomplish greatness,
To change the world,
To help mankind,
But all I think of is the remote.
I see the snowstorm and hear the waterfall
And it burns in my head.
Something should move me to stand.
I should want to do great things,
I want to be Beethoven,
And create great symphonies.
I want to be da Vinci,
And create joy
Through beautiful works of art.
I would even be spelling,
And create Charmed or 90210.
Am I awake or asleep?
Is this a dream or reality?
Is this that I see a reality show created to entertain me
Or is a dream I created for myself to be entertained?
Does it matter? |
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| quickie |
[Aug. 30th, 2006|08:24 am] |
there is so much to tell and so little time to do it.
i'll be home later this week and i'll backtrack my lj to tell a comprehensive day by day account.
i'm in jerusalem right now and am having so much fun.
i went to my brothers yesterday and had a meat and cheese sandwitch. i put the two together and waited for the explosion.....nothing. i hate not getting to have an egg mcmuffin. i miss it so much.
i leave tomorrow night.
i'll miss it here, but i miss my son and friends more.
it really is amazing here.
when i win the lotto i'll pay for everyone to come here. except the germans. they don't lik germans here. |
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| israel again |
[Aug. 12th, 2006|08:30 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  surprised | ] |
| [ | music |
| | jimmy neutron | ] |
i head to israel today
this is the first time i'm going anywhere where i feel like i'm going to actually miss home. the weird thing is i believe for the first time ever i'm going to BE missed.
normally no one gives a shit to the point where no one notices.
this week i went to see the toxic avenger at a movie theatre, taped an interview with loyd kaufman, went to a medieval faire, taped the totuga twins, auditioned for the improv, took inappropriate pics of myself for a girl....i was in drag, found my cheerleader outfit, washed all my clothes, watched a set of new movies, bought a power converter and shorts and a new suitcase, hung out with a chick, turned down a quickie with another chick, helped an old women clean out her basement, pack a bag full of donations for israeli soldiers to take with me to israel, collect greeting cards made by children to give to israeli soldiers, and have my vampire character killed.
i think that covers everything. |
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thedarkmuppet's journal
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